May 27, 2020

Presidents Hate Me

• By John Chisholm •

What is it about expenses?  They all come at once.

Seriously.  Think about it.  Every December financial mayhem arrives the 25th.  It’s as regular as clockwork.  OK.  We do that to ourselves, so it’s tough having much sympathy.  Moreover, that’s not really what I mean.  What I’m referring to here is the sudden involuntary agglomeration of costs on a huge and unfeeling basis that has nothing to do with planned extravagance.  It’s as though our bills get together and arbitrarily decide, “Hey!  These dudes are gonna have a bad-ad-ad-ad month.”

Alas!  It works.  At least for them.  We do.

Month after month after month.

That’s right.  There’s always something cropping up.  Invariably it’s unplanned and unwanted but expensive.  Very expensive.

April is a good example.  It’s bad.  Of course taxes are due the 15th.  That doesn’t help.  No.  Not by a long shot.  Worse, my vehicles have broken down.  Excise taxes for both are due as well.  My!  Isn’t that helpful!

Meanwhile, our home insurance bill arrived together with those unexpected plumbing repair costs.  What were we supposed to do?  We need water.  You bet, Central Maine Power still wants their cut.  So does the cable company and Dead River Oil.  At least in this household, that list continues.  On and on.  Yes.

You see what I mean?  It’s not as though I’m blowing our money on gambling, wine, women and song ― they would at least be fun ― instead cash simply leaves me.  En masse.  In fact, it can’t wait to go.

We have a personality conflict.

That’s right.  Presidents hate me.  I’ve never done anything to them.  If fact, the ones I’m referring to were all dead long before I even arrived.  Never mind.  Let Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson or Jackson get anywhere near me and they turn tail and run, posthaste.  All of them.  Maybe Franklin wasn’t a president but he hates me, too.  Don’t look to that other non-president to help.  Hamilton leads the exodus.

I suppose this is why my wife is the Chief Financial Officer for our household.  It was a good move on my part.  She gets along much better with those guys than I do.  Good thing.  Still, it’s incredibly frustrating, money continually intervenes between me and everything I’d like to do.

That’s right.  Because, at least in this household, all of ours is spent on what we have to do first.

Worse, our expenses all come at once.